Trying to fit it all together April 29, 2011

Tonight Hubby and I had a good conversation about lots of things, including where and how we commit our time, and how we handle responsibilities around the house. It started out as something of a disagreement, but I’m glad that happened because we talked about some really good stuff (even if we didn’t come to any fabulous conclusions to make our lives easier).

One big thing on my mind is how many things I feel I need to say no to: things like book club, ladies’ dinner out, monthly Bunco night, and so on. I truly feel embarrassed when I say no to these things, and also sad, because of course I want to go out and do fun stuff in the evenings. But if Hubby and I are going to be able to keep commitments that we already have, we have to say no to other things.

Case in point: I (supposedly) am committed to going to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I’ve already paid for a year’s worth of gym membership, so I certainly hope I could get to the gym twice a week, if not three times a week. So what do I do when a nice, innocent opportunity comes up like a friend or acquaintance suggesting that we start a monthly ladies’ dinner night? What nights do I have “free”? Why, Tuesdays and Thursdays, of course. Mondays are spoken for; Wednesdays and Fridays will be taken up with Hubby’s workout at the gym, if and when he starts that up again.

How about when something I’m already committed to comes up? What nights am I free? Tuesdays and Thursdays, of course.

Now, I’m not stupid, and neither are you, so by now you’re  figuring out that if I’m committed to going to the gym 8 times per month, and 2-4 of those times get taken up by other social activities (not to mention things like illness), all of a sudden I’m becoming something of a stranger at the gym, like, every month.

Truthfully, I feel like a complete dork turning down all of these opportunities that come my way. To others, I think it sounds like I’m all obsessed with being a gym rat (ha!) because what’s the big deal if some group or whatever wants to meet once a month or so? But at the same time, I just know that I’m already committed to too much stuff other than working out twice per week.

All this is to say nothing of protecting the time that Hubby and I have to spend together as a family and as just the two of us. And this is to say nothing of kids‘ activities, of which we have practically none at the moment.

I know that every family struggles with being too busy. I just didn’t realize how this issue would affect me at a personal level, worrying about how others perceive me.

A few factors that make our situation unique to us:

• We belong to a church and are somewhat active in taking on responsibilities (though, truthfully, probably not as active as we “should” be)
• The gym I belong to does not have child care, and no way can we afford to pay a babysitter so I can work out during the day. This pushes my workouts to evenings and weekends, whereas lots of my mom-friends belong to our local Y and use the child care there so they can work out during their “workday.”
• Neither of my kids is school age, though this will change in the fall, meaning that all day, every day, I have both of my children with me.
• I need a fair amount of sleep, compared to lots of other people I know, so I am not keen on packing my evenings full of activities.
• My children’s night sleep falls in about the 10th percentile for their ages, respectively. With my 2yo falling asleep around 8-8:30 p.m. and up around 6 a.m., my days end late and start early. In fact, I count my lucky stars each and every day when Mark wakes up at a time that starts with a 6 rather than a 5. This means that it’s not terribly practical for me to get up and start my day before the kids get up; if I did that, I would need to be asleep around 9-9:30 every night.

I would love to hear from other moms who are trying to stay sane, healthy, and rested; fit everything in to their schedules; and not appear to others to be a total party pooper!

Just venting — feeling burned out today April 9, 2011

At the moment, my two boys are playing outside while Hubby is working on a project and also keeping an eye on them. I am very thankful to have this quiet period of the morning; I certainly need it.

Today I’m struggling with feeling beat down and worn out. Weekends sometimes do that to me. It seems like every single morning, I spend (what seems like) hours just trying to get the kitchen in shape, get everyone fed, get everyone dressed. I can feel wiped out by 8 a.m. when Mark, my 2yo, is going through a time of getting up very early in the morning, around 5 a.m.

On the weekends it really hits me — I get tired of doing the same stuff day after day after day. I am physically tired; I long to get a good night’s rest at least a few nights in a row. I need about 8 hours of sleep, and for people like my husband who seem to thrive on less, well, goodie goodie for them, but I can no more be like them than I can change my height or my eye color. I get tired of feeling like things get tense when I ask for time away, to go to the gym or just out where I can be by myself. I’m not sure if my husband realizes how much it throws me off when, after I ask for something like a chance to go to the gym over the weekend, he sucks air through his teeth and contemplates (I guess) whether that is do-able. It makes me feel like saying, Oh sorry, I forgot, I just need to stay around home and clean and do laundry and organize stuff every hour of every day.

We have these conversations over and over again where we agree upon the need for me to have Mom’s Time Away, but I feel like that all gets forgotten about because things always come up. Home projects, church commitments, and so on.

I also feel — and maybe I am just making this up and it’s not really happening — that I get judged for times when I *do* take a break (gasp) during the day, like I am doing right now. But you know, I’ve been awake since 5 a.m. and I am just tired. I feel like I push myself every day to fight against the tide of dirt and clutter and chaos that are part of raising kids and taking care of a home; when do I get to just take a break? And not just during that 45 minutes between when the kids go to bed and when I need to go to bed. When do I get to stop and enjoy life for a bit, without feeling like I’m being judged or burdening the family by doing so?

What kind of “playdate mom” am I? An old-fashioned one. April 7, 2011

It’s the time of week where 5yo Adam’s friend, also 5 years old, comes over to play for a few hours. Like any mom who’s hosting a playdate, I have to decide how I’m going to conduct myself. Will I be super friendly, just call me by my first name, what can I do to provide fun for you guys? Or will I be old fashioned, matter-of-fact, please call me Mrs. Doe?

Those of you who have been reading this blog for awhile know that I tend toward the latter, not the former.

I definitely don’t want to be a jerk to the kids, but neither am I the children’s “friend.” If I had to pick, and I think picking becomes necessary at some point, I’d rather the kids be a little “afraid” of me than for them to feel like I’m their equal.

Reading this, if you’re a mom, you may be thinking, “What a jerk! I’d never send my kids over to her house!” And indeed, if you pale at the idea that I would ask your child to call me Mrs. Doe instead of  by my first name; if you are uncomfortable with the idea that I would ask your child to play outside for 30 minutes before coming in (on a nice day with plenty of safe and appropriate options for outdoor play), then you probably would not want to send your child to my house for a playdate.

It is somewhat rare these days to run into a mom who lives by old-fashioned principles, but I am that mom. I am not mean, I am not short-tempered (usually! ha!), I am not unreasonable, but I am old fashioned.