Rough weekend in my corner of the world. What’s made it rough?
1 – Realizing just how overweight I am. There are ugly bulges on my back, a large tummy in front…. oh, it’s just horrible. My highest weight in 3 years. I won’t go into my efforts at losing weight, except to say that Weight Watchers makes me hungry, and low-carbing seems to be the only, albeit rather difficult, answer for me.
2 – The situation with my friends (former friends?) just seems to get worse and worse. Last night I cried for 1-2 hours before bedtime, and 1-2 hours after going to bed, and then was up from 4 a.m. onward (more crying). I then cried through most of my shower-and-getting-dressed routine this morning. You may wonder what could be so horrible as to cause so much crying. It is a long story that has been going on for at least a year now. The thing that has hit me especially hard this weekend is finding out how many of my friends have been, well, disgusted with me in the past for things I’ve said or done…. mainly times when I meant to be funny or whatever….. times when I had no idea I was offending friends. This knowledge has hit my like a ton of bricks. I feel embarrassed, frustrated, and angry, all at once.
Here is something I wrote up today, which I may possibly share with my (former?) friends at some point.
I sincerely believe that in any situation (argument, misunderstanding, etc.), every person involved has their own valid interpretation of what’s going on. So, for example, while I may feel that I have a responsibility to run my family the best way I know how, someone else may feel that I am judging them or thinking that I am better than them because my decisions differ from theirs. While I may feel that I am dealing with a sticky situation as tactfully as I can, someone else may feel that I am being callous and disrespectful toward their children. While I may feel that I’m making a comment clearly with the intent of humor or jest, as friends tend to do, someone else may feel shock and disbelief at what came out of my mouth. On and on it goes, but what does it matter?
The “what does it matter?” part comes in because there is one (former) friend who, at the urging of her husband (I have now learned) completely wrote me out of her life because I hurt and offended and upset her so many times, all having to do with how I treated her son, conducted myself around her son, etc. The kicker is that I had no idea this was going on; she never told me while it was happening, and she refused to respond to my attempts to communicate with her after she started acting nasty toward me.
The only way I found out is through a third (former?) friend who finally, after a year of keeping this fact under wraps, revealed this to my husband yesterday during a conversation they had.
It turns out this third friend has also felt hurt and offended by me, over the past several years, but she said nothing until yesterday.
The truth is that I feel that I am getting closer and closer to ‘breaking up” with this group of friends.
Another piece of what I wrote today:
I think it’s best that we, as a group of friends (such as we are anymore) don’t PRETEND anymore. What I am saying is, breathe a sigh of relief, because you don’t have to pretend to like me anymore. There is no need to invite us to whatever get-together is going on just because you think you “should.” Go ahead and enjoy yourselves; there will be no need to suck in your breath and clench your teeth because of something I’ve said or done.
Yes, I am in a place of great hurt right now, and it shows through the dry humor and sarcasm in my writing. Yes, I realize that I am NOT perfect and that I have hurt my friends in the past (no matter that I didn’t MEAN to hurt them; no matter that I had no IDEA that I hurt them; they felt hurt, and that’s that).
That being said, do some friendships get to the point where this is little or nothing worth salvaging? I thinnk, perhaps, that the answer is yes.