The Honest Mommy

Uncensored thoughts on parenting & more

Rough weekend here… May 27, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — lotsofopinions @ 1:55 am

Rough weekend in my corner of the world. What’s made it rough?

1 – Realizing just how overweight I am. There are ugly bulges on my back, a large tummy in front…. oh, it’s just horrible. My highest weight in 3 years. I won’t go into my efforts at losing weight, except to say that Weight Watchers makes me hungry, and low-carbing seems to be the only, albeit rather difficult, answer for me.

2 – The situation with my friends (former friends?) just seems to get worse and worse. Last night I cried for 1-2 hours before bedtime, and 1-2 hours after going to bed, and then was up from 4 a.m. onward (more crying). I then cried through most of my shower-and-getting-dressed routine this morning. You may wonder what could be so horrible as to cause so much crying. It is a long story that has been going on for at least a year now. The thing that has hit me especially hard this weekend is finding out how many of my friends have been, well, disgusted with me in the past for things I’ve said or done…. mainly times when I meant to be funny or whatever….. times when I had no idea I was offending friends. This knowledge has hit my like a ton of bricks. I feel embarrassed, frustrated, and angry, all at once.

Here is something I wrote up today, which I may possibly share with my (former?) friends at some point.

I sincerely believe that in any situation (argument, misunderstanding, etc.), every person involved has their own valid interpretation of what’s going on. So, for example, while I may feel that I have a responsibility to run my family the best way I know how, someone else may feel that I am judging them or thinking that I am better than them because my decisions differ from theirs. While I may feel that I am dealing with a sticky situation as tactfully as I can, someone else may feel that I am being callous and disrespectful toward their children. While I may feel that I’m making a comment clearly with the intent of humor or jest, as friends tend to do, someone else may feel shock and disbelief at what came out of my mouth. On and on it goes, but what does it matter?

The “what does it matter?” part comes in because there is one (former) friend who, at the urging of her husband (I have now learned) completely wrote me out of her life because I hurt and offended and upset her so many times, all having to do with how I treated her son, conducted myself around her son, etc. The kicker is that I had no idea this was going on; she never told me while it was happening, and she refused to respond to my attempts to communicate with her after she started acting nasty toward me.

The only way I found out is through a third (former?) friend who finally, after a year of keeping this fact under wraps, revealed this to my husband yesterday during a conversation they had.

It turns out this third friend has also felt hurt and offended by me, over the past several years, but she said nothing until yesterday.

The truth is that I feel that I am getting closer and closer to ‘breaking up” with this group of friends.

Another piece of what I wrote today:

I think it’s best that we, as a group of friends (such as we are anymore) don’t PRETEND anymore. What I am saying is, breathe a sigh of relief, because you don’t have to pretend to like me anymore. There is no need to invite us to whatever get-together is going on just because you think you “should.” Go ahead and enjoy yourselves; there will be no need to suck in your breath and clench your teeth because of something I’ve said or done.

Yes, I am in a place of great hurt right now, and it shows through the dry humor and sarcasm in my writing. Yes, I realize that I am NOT perfect and that I have hurt my friends in the past (no matter that I didn’t MEAN to hurt them; no matter that I had no IDEA that I hurt them; they felt hurt, and that’s that).

That being said, do some friendships get to the point where this is little or nothing worth salvaging? I thinnk, perhaps, that the answer is yes.


3 Responses to “Rough weekend here…”

  1. Rachael Says:

    I have too found myself in a similar situation like this in the past. It hurts. And it is defiantly embarrassing. The night my friends decided to “out me” was while we had all been drinking wine, our kids were around, and EVERYONE was there. I felt cornered, trapped and bullied.
    Why this all seemed to happen (planned or not) that night is beyond me. It slowly started with me asking one of my friends what was wrong and that they seemed upset with me and then it totally spiraled out of control with another friend joining in the bashing.
    Apparently over a year or so span I had said some things (petty at that) that made my friends feel inadequate and or small. I NEVER EVER meant to say things that would be taken that way. I absolutely love my friends. I totally freaked out that night, left the party we were at and continued to cry to my husband the whole way home.
    I was so sad and embarrassed that my friends would have thought i felt those ways about them and that I wanted to put myself on a pedestal.
    The whole of the argument was basically about money/financial situation/status. But I never meant anything like that. I was simply asking and inquiring as a friend would about purchases and/or looking forward and talking aloud about my own (hopeful) future.
    The next day when everyone calmed down and sobered up. I called my best friend (who id been best friends with for 11 years with at the time) and we hashed it out. She apologized for attacking me and i apologized for saying hurtful things in the past and we both gave each other the chance to voice our opinions and concerns. The other friend, things seemed to blow over with ease and I apologized and explained myself once more. The next couple encounters were awkward for all of 10 minutes but luckily things went back to normal very soon after.

    Now after all of my blah blah sob sob-
    My advice to you is this, any type of relationship takes two parties. And it will only work if both parties work for it. It sounds to me like this particular group (I’m assuming are all women) don’t want to work things out. What kind of a friend would string things along for so long and pretend, also be too cowardly to voice their own opinion. Not a good one. If you made you attempt at reconciling and they didn’t reciprocate, their actions speak for themselves and don’t sweat it. The fact that they went though your husband to “end things” is beyond me. Find some new friends and enjoy yourself. Just like in a romantic relationship, your not suppose to be sad and upset all the time. Good luck to you my friend, I hope this helped.

    • lotsofopinions Says:

      Wonderful, wonderful (and horrible) story, comments, and suggestions. Thank you SO much!!!!!

  2. #I#Wish#It#Was#Different Says:

    Don’t be hard on yourself. People tend to have that sheeple mentality. They’ll laugh with you, but behind your back, they gang up and find things inappropriate. I have lost all of my friends over the years; because I put my kids first.
    Find some friends that appreciate your sense of humor. It is always a good idea to say it in your head first, also. I have ADHD and have the same issues. What I find funny, people don’t get. My mom used to tell us “go play on the freeway.” Until one day she came home and we were walking down that middle yellow line…on a four lane busy road. She never said that again but I loved her sense of humor.
    People are just cruel, too. Hang in there.

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