The Honest Mommy

Uncensored thoughts on parenting & more

Trying to move on from a friendship May 22, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — lotsofopinions @ 1:21 pm
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Have you ever had to emotionally remove yourself from a friendship/s in order to experience the personal growth that is waiting for you?

That is the situation I find myself in lately.

I have a certain friend who,m I’ll call Angie Smith, with whom I used to be quite close. That has changed over the last year or so. It’s hard to pinpoint when it started, but one day it occurred to me that I was always the one texting her to see if she wanted to get the kids together for a playdate. It seemed that whenever I did so, her son was napping, so it didn’t work out. Then I would notice her presence at afternoon events and wonder whether I was getting the straight story.

She and I used to go out together to snag coupon deals. It was a fun way to spend a bit of time together while stocking up on great deals. Then one day I realized that I was always the one trying to initiate these outings, and she nearly always was busy doing other things like watching her favorite TV shows. And the important thing here is that she never seemed interested in trying to get together some other time.

There have been so many other little things that add up to one big picture. Last summer, she suggested that a bunch of moms get together at her house one morning per week for a giant playdate. It turned out that attendance waned after the first few times, but I was definitely interested in coming regularly with my two boys. After 3-4 weeks, I got to to the point of texting her before showing up, to make sure we were still – well- welcome. I remember one day she texted back, “Oh yeah, it is Wednesday, isn’t it” and it wasn’t long before I wasn’t sure whether she still wanted to do this weekly playdate. Then I just stopped coming and I never said another word about it, and guess what — neither did she.

I thought it was pretty rude for her to lose interest in the very thing she had suggested in the first place. I guess the weekly playdate wasn’t very interesting anymore after it became clear that it was more or less just going to be The Honest Mommy every week, but instead of suggesting that we change the plan, she just let it die out.

About six months ago, I realized that I hardly saw her anymore. I sent her an email (a regular way of communicating for the two of us) saying that I missed her and that we should try to get together. In reply, she explained how busy she was with this, that, and the other thing, but did not say anything about missing me or wanting to get together.

Let’s just say that I could take the hint, and after that I really realized that she wasn’t interested in hanging out anymore.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. On a Friday evening I texted a different friend, Leah, to see if she wanted to get together. She replied “The Smiths brought burgers over and we are grilling.” I thought, what on earth? What happened to all of us getting together regularly (which our group of friends used to do)? After giving it a lot of thought, I texted back “I guess that’s not an invite, right?” Thereafter, that friend did a lot of backpedaling and such. I could tell she felt bad, or at the very least, awkward. She ended up inviting us over to share dessert, which I declined.

But Angie Smith? She posted photos on Facebook and her blog talking about how great of a time they all had.

There are more details and situations which I won’t go into here, but I did decide a few weeks ago that I needed to distance myself from Angie a bit. Basically, stop being the person who wanted to hang out with her, get her approval, etc. So when I got an invite to a surprise birthday party that Leah was throwing for Angie, I decided that I wasn’t going to attend.

This is the type of thing that, in my group of friends, will be noticed (which is not the reason I decided on this route, but it is a side effect of this route which I will have to deal with). Hubby went to the party and took our two boys along, and several people (not Angie) asked why I wasn’t there. He replied that I “couldn’t make it” or “didn’t feel like going.”

You may be wondering why I don’t just talk with Angie and ask her what’s going on with the two of us. And believe me, I have thought and prayed about this quite a lot. The catch for me is that Angie is horrible with conflict and isn’t too good at admitting that she’s done something less than stellar. I have seen other situations where she throws the other person under the bus because they’re still hurt about something that happened “a long time ago” (however Angie decides to define that). In her world, if something happened a long time ago, then it doesn’t matter and isn’t an issue.

Also, she has a tendency to blame things on the other person and make the issue that the other person is “acting crazy” or making something out of nothing.

And so, it’s really difficult for me to imagine a scenario where I try to talk about things with Angie. Maybe this will change, but for now, I feel the best route is for me to calmly remove myself from situations where I end up feeling like a second-class friend. It’s sort of hard to explain, but I feel that I’m on the verge of personal growth and change, and I can’t achieve this growth as long as certain friends — especially this friend — are holding me back. Basically, I need to stop caring that she seems to want to hang out with everyone EXCEPT me (and my family).


6 Responses to “Trying to move on from a friendship”

  1. Awww, sorry you had to go through that. Angie’s a beaaatch for not “manning up” at the least, and confronting you if she didn’t think the friendship was worth her time. although overall, it sounds like she’s not really worth YOUR time. You deserve better, quality buds who are beaatches to people like Angie in your defense. 😉 Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find/meet a new mom friend soon, one that’s definitely of “stellar” quality. Good luck!

    • lotsofopinions Says:

      Thanks, Domestic Recluse. I appreciate your support. Fortunately I do have some newer mom-friends who seem to really “get” me and hopefully I get them, too!

  2. Susan Says:

    I can totally relate to all aspects and as a result of pulling away it seems that my friends either don’t care or don’t notice – great friends – not.

  3. Jordyn Says:

    Story of my life! I’m 17 and I have friends that do the same thing to me all the time! So I stop being there friend and get new ones and they do the same thing again. I don’t understand, it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. I actually had a friend who called me paraniod when I confronted her about it! I can’t believe some people’s complete disregard of other peoples feelings. I try so hard to make sure people don’t feel left out; I just wish they had the same courtesy for me.

  4. Brandy Says:

    This is an old post I know, but I just came across your blog and so much of it sounds like I could have written it. From SAHM burnout to leaving friendships behind, to just struggling with yet WANTING to be a SAHM. My issue is burnout that has a failed friendship attached. I have a five year old and an almost two year old and my burn out/funk started, if i am honest with myself, two years ago. After I had my second daughter, one of my dearest friends (who is childless) slowly dissapeared from my life. I have gotten the impression that one kid was okay for her to deal with, but two was just too much. This was and continues to devastate me because I have known her for over 15 years and we have been through relationships, deaths, crazy teens and twenties together and now, nothing. Having children has effectively ruined that. I am not one to make friends easily ( I prefer a few close friends than 100 shoot the breeze ones) and greatly value all that has gone into our friendship. She basically stopped texting me or returning phone calls becuase it is just too complicated to get together. Last year my hubby and I went through one of those “are we really gonna make it” patches in our marriage and in one of the few and far between converstations I had with my friend I shared this with her. She gave me the “awwww…that is too bad” and said she had to go. Ouch. So, I have struggled to move on, but I think about her everyday. When I only had one kid the time she and I spent together was so refreshing and helped so much with the burn out…I miss that. I miss having a friend who knows you well enough to finish your sentences and can recall embarassing teen moments that make you laugh hard enough to wet yourself. I have tried to get over this whole thing and have attempted playgroups/playdates with other stay at home moms, some of whom I really like, but it doesn’t replace what I am missing. My hubby and I are a case of opposites attract and he doesn’t understand much of what I am saying. Much of the time, he responds to me with “you should” statements especially as it relates to daily tasks and schedules that I am unable to keep. He gets easily annoyed when I haven’t done the dishes in the sink or I have done the same load of laundry six times cause I keep forgetting about it. He doesn’t take much time with our girls and as the “strict one” he disciplines more than he plays and I find myself picking up the slack in that dept. The girls know I am gonna listen and help more than him and so they show preference for me and I take it on. He is a good dad, but his need for task lists and structure interfere with just being there for our kids…and so I take on more and more, with few outlets and a constant cloudy funk over my head. I have never doubted wanting to be a SAHM, but I doubt my ability everyday. My mom is close by but has health problems. Not to mention that she has spoiled my kids so much that having them stay with her usually results in behavior problems that I have to deal with and correct when they get home. I am tired. I feel lonely, guilty, unworthy and irritable and am beyond needing an hour to myself. I need a cruise ship, a cocktail and seven days to remember that I am capable instead of crazy.

    • lotsofopinions Says:

      Wow, Brandy, the former friend who left you in the dust is really missing out. I can relate to so very, very much of what you wrote here! I pray that you will have the strength to keep on keeping on. Oh, and the whole “you should” thing coming from husbands…. this is nearly universal, I think. Schedules. oh schedules, I would love to have one, but how on earth is that going to work? Have tried explaining this to my DH many times.

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