The truth about today February 7, 2012

Straight from the heart, here is the truth this morning.

When my alarm went off, I did not want to get up. I got to bed too late, in part because my 3yo Mark went to sleep very late. This was because I allowed him to nap for 3 hours yesterday, until about 5:30 p.m. I was curious to see what would happen with his bedtime (that is, his actual fall-asleep time). Sure enough, he was awake until almost 10 p.m. This kid is a tricky sleeper, to be sure. I could go on and on about how we try to tweak his nap time, bed time, etc., in order to get him well rested and sleeping on a schedule that works for our family. To all of you who have children who are tricky sleepers, my heart goes out to you.

This whole morning, I have not felt like dealing with anything. I have been avoiding showering and getting dressed. I have been rotating in and out the audiobooks that Mark is listening to, hoping that he’ll like them and stay engaged. And stay out of my hair.

I have a meeting at 10 a.m., while Mark is at preschool, and I am glad that I have this meeting (a new client for my business), but I wish it could have fallen on a different day, a day when I feel a little more human. A day when I’m not fighting (and losing) against my sugar addiction. (I use the term “addiction” because I don’t know what other term to use; I mean no disrespect to people who battle addictions to other things.) A day when I feel “up” about my business and feel like I can handle thinking about the details that need to be attended to.

This morning, every fiber of my being wants to crawl into bed and read my book. I don’t want to shower, get dressed, get Mark to preschool, and meet with a client. I just want to hide from the world for a few hours, quite honestly, and possibly take a nap.

Thankfully, I don’t have bigger, badder things to battle today. But these are my battles, nonetheless.

Day 3 of Hubby being out of town July 28, 2011

I think – no, I know – my morale took a beating today.

Today was Day 3 of Hubby being out of town. Yesterday was long, but I was focused on “let’s enjoy summer while it’s here” and had a good day overall. Today – I don’t know what exactly was different, but by the time I was serving supper to the kids, I didn’t have much good humor left to endure DS2′s shenanigens and DS1′s complaining and bad attitude.

I texted Hubby to give him a heads-up that by the time he got home from his trip this evening, I would be glad to see him but maybe not in a very good mood. I explained that I felt like a hamster stuck on a wheel and that I was very tired of it. I also explained that I have a million things on my to-do list, yet I’m lucky if I can take care of my basic needs. I hope he will be understanding.

I’ve recently re-instated FlyLady routines into my day, and it definitely helps to keep CHAOS away. It’s also a lot of work to actually DO laundry every day and CLEAN the kitchen/kitchen sink every morning. I think I’m enjoying the fruits of my labor, but also feeling the effects of not plopping onto the couch every time I feel the urge. I’m sure Hubby being out of town also plays a large part in my feeling overall wigged out and worn out.

The Honest Mommy would like a break from the kitchen, please July 22, 2011

This morning, from 6:15 – 9:30 a.m., I spent nearly all of my time on the following tasks

• getting myself dressed
• searching frantically for an uninterrupted 5-minute period during which I could wash my hands, dry my hands, and put my contacts in
• dealing with children and watercolor paints
• getting DS1 and DS2 dressed
• directing DS2 to do his morning routine
• preparing and serving breakfast to DS1 and DS2
• working on laundry (folding, putting away)
• wiping down bathroom
• washing dishes
• emptying dishwasher
• wiping down kitchen sink
• managing sibling squabbles and crises
• getting breakfasts number two and three for DS2
• getting DS2 ready to go outside, then come inside, times two

At 9:30 I finally was ready to sit down and have some breakfast. I had worked so, so, so hard to get everything squared away and everyone taken care of, just so I could have a few minutes to eat in peace.

But, no such luck. When DS2 saw that I was having hard-boiled egg and cheese, he immediately wanted some. So, the egg which I had carefully heated up (twice) for myself ended up going to DS2. I ended up eating while standing at the kitchen counter and doling out bites of food to DS2 (I don’t like to give him too much at once in case he decides to throw it or just not eat it).

Fast forward to 10:30 a.m. The kids were outside playing for 15-20 minutes (yay!), then both came inside and DS2 asked for a snack. (This is the child who I had to force to finish his breakfast because he declared himself “full,” so that I could actually “finish” cleaning the kitchen).

You know what? I do not want to go into the kitchen and come up with a snack, dirty more dishes, create crumbs. I just spent my whole morning, up to this point, trying to “finish” cleaning the kitchen so I could get out of there.

Yes, I am crabby. No, I am not in the running for Mother of the Year.

Working out which way is “up” July 10, 2011

It was one week ago that my family and I returned from our gigantic (to me) European trip. I truthfully had no idea how difficult it would be to get back into the swing of things here at home. I had no idea about the sleep and clingy-ness issues that would arise with 2-year-old Mark. I had no idea how much fatigue would affect me, as well as feeling depressed, unmotivated, and unfocused.

This morning, I told Hubby that I truly do not want to be grumpy and negative, and that I’m working to figure out what types of things will help me move forward. I theorized that “getting back into FlyLady” might be good for me, as it seems that the times when I’ve followed FlyLady routines and mindsets have been good times in my life.

I went to iTunes to look for the FlyLady podcast; I used to listen to her podcast a lot while working around the house. It seems, though, that she no longer has a weekly podcast that is HER. All I can find is the Flylady and Friends podcast which cycles through Gramma, Leanne Ely, Missus Smartypants, and so on. (Do any FlyBabies have advice for me here? Am I missing something?)

Anyway, Hubby took both kids to church stuff this morning, where I will join them later for the worship service. Meanwhile, I have some RARE!!!!!! time to do my FlyLady routine, tidy up, and have some time to myself (hence this blog post). Next up is some devotional time, another piece of my life which needs to get back into place.

Trying to fit it all together April 29, 2011

Tonight Hubby and I had a good conversation about lots of things, including where and how we commit our time, and how we handle responsibilities around the house. It started out as something of a disagreement, but I’m glad that happened because we talked about some really good stuff (even if we didn’t come to any fabulous conclusions to make our lives easier).

One big thing on my mind is how many things I feel I need to say no to: things like book club, ladies’ dinner out, monthly Bunco night, and so on. I truly feel embarrassed when I say no to these things, and also sad, because of course I want to go out and do fun stuff in the evenings. But if Hubby and I are going to be able to keep commitments that we already have, we have to say no to other things.

Case in point: I (supposedly) am committed to going to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I’ve already paid for a year’s worth of gym membership, so I certainly hope I could get to the gym twice a week, if not three times a week. So what do I do when a nice, innocent opportunity comes up like a friend or acquaintance suggesting that we start a monthly ladies’ dinner night? What nights do I have “free”? Why, Tuesdays and Thursdays, of course. Mondays are spoken for; Wednesdays and Fridays will be taken up with Hubby’s workout at the gym, if and when he starts that up again.

How about when something I’m already committed to comes up? What nights am I free? Tuesdays and Thursdays, of course.

Now, I’m not stupid, and neither are you, so by now you’re  figuring out that if I’m committed to going to the gym 8 times per month, and 2-4 of those times get taken up by other social activities (not to mention things like illness), all of a sudden I’m becoming something of a stranger at the gym, like, every month.

Truthfully, I feel like a complete dork turning down all of these opportunities that come my way. To others, I think it sounds like I’m all obsessed with being a gym rat (ha!) because what’s the big deal if some group or whatever wants to meet once a month or so? But at the same time, I just know that I’m already committed to too much stuff other than working out twice per week.

All this is to say nothing of protecting the time that Hubby and I have to spend together as a family and as just the two of us. And this is to say nothing of kids‘ activities, of which we have practically none at the moment.

I know that every family struggles with being too busy. I just didn’t realize how this issue would affect me at a personal level, worrying about how others perceive me.

A few factors that make our situation unique to us:

• We belong to a church and are somewhat active in taking on responsibilities (though, truthfully, probably not as active as we “should” be)
• The gym I belong to does not have child care, and no way can we afford to pay a babysitter so I can work out during the day. This pushes my workouts to evenings and weekends, whereas lots of my mom-friends belong to our local Y and use the child care there so they can work out during their “workday.”
• Neither of my kids is school age, though this will change in the fall, meaning that all day, every day, I have both of my children with me.
• I need a fair amount of sleep, compared to lots of other people I know, so I am not keen on packing my evenings full of activities.
• My children’s night sleep falls in about the 10th percentile for their ages, respectively. With my 2yo falling asleep around 8-8:30 p.m. and up around 6 a.m., my days end late and start early. In fact, I count my lucky stars each and every day when Mark wakes up at a time that starts with a 6 rather than a 5. This means that it’s not terribly practical for me to get up and start my day before the kids get up; if I did that, I would need to be asleep around 9-9:30 every night.

I would love to hear from other moms who are trying to stay sane, healthy, and rested; fit everything in to their schedules; and not appear to others to be a total party pooper!

Just venting — feeling burned out today April 9, 2011

At the moment, my two boys are playing outside while Hubby is working on a project and also keeping an eye on them. I am very thankful to have this quiet period of the morning; I certainly need it.

Today I’m struggling with feeling beat down and worn out. Weekends sometimes do that to me. It seems like every single morning, I spend (what seems like) hours just trying to get the kitchen in shape, get everyone fed, get everyone dressed. I can feel wiped out by 8 a.m. when Mark, my 2yo, is going through a time of getting up very early in the morning, around 5 a.m.

On the weekends it really hits me — I get tired of doing the same stuff day after day after day. I am physically tired; I long to get a good night’s rest at least a few nights in a row. I need about 8 hours of sleep, and for people like my husband who seem to thrive on less, well, goodie goodie for them, but I can no more be like them than I can change my height or my eye color. I get tired of feeling like things get tense when I ask for time away, to go to the gym or just out where I can be by myself. I’m not sure if my husband realizes how much it throws me off when, after I ask for something like a chance to go to the gym over the weekend, he sucks air through his teeth and contemplates (I guess) whether that is do-able. It makes me feel like saying, Oh sorry, I forgot, I just need to stay around home and clean and do laundry and organize stuff every hour of every day.

We have these conversations over and over again where we agree upon the need for me to have Mom’s Time Away, but I feel like that all gets forgotten about because things always come up. Home projects, church commitments, and so on.

I also feel — and maybe I am just making this up and it’s not really happening — that I get judged for times when I *do* take a break (gasp) during the day, like I am doing right now. But you know, I’ve been awake since 5 a.m. and I am just tired. I feel like I push myself every day to fight against the tide of dirt and clutter and chaos that are part of raising kids and taking care of a home; when do I get to just take a break? And not just during that 45 minutes between when the kids go to bed and when I need to go to bed. When do I get to stop and enjoy life for a bit, without feeling like I’m being judged or burdening the family by doing so?

Feeling really behind lately, and frustrated March 23, 2011

Oh my. Lately I feel I have been fighting a losing battle as far as organizing, cleaning, and so on.

Lots of stuff is packed away, or otherwise not where it belongs, due to our flooring projects. In the last 2 months, we have put new floor down in 90% of our main floor. The fruit-basket-upset that this has caused is even worse because, since February, I have spent three long weekends away from home (with the kids) so Hubby could work on the floors.

On Monday morning, I returned home with the kids and a van full of luggage, etc., at 11:30 a.m. after spending the weekend at my parents’ house. I returned to a home where the kitchen was semi-usable in that the refrigerator was in the dining room (which is NOT right next to the kitchen) and the kitchen floor not ready for chairs. Spending the last three days trekking back and forth between the kitchen and dining room has not been fun. Feeding a toddler is never a simple thing; throw in the least-efficient-possible arrangement of kitchen-refrigerator-dining space, and Aaaargh!

I am finding it more difficult than I expected to cope with all of the things that need attention: Of course, the kids need meals and baths and bedtimes and so on. The laundry needs to be done, especially with a bed-wetter in the family. Groceries need to be bought. Food needs to be prepared (especially since Hubby and I are eating low-carb). Preschool and other commitments need to be attended to.

Meanwhile, there is lots of unpacking and organizing to do, and the time I have “free” to work on those things — well — I just want a break, and if I’m not taking a break (by blogging or resting), there is always the 5-year-old who wants me to spend time with him.

Mornings in particular have been rough. When I get up and start my day, I feel like the cards are already stacked against me. I battle through getting myself fed, getting the kids fed, getting the kids dressed, getting myself dressed, cleaning the kitchen, getting a handle on laundry, fixing snacks … all morning long. By the time my 2-year-old goes down for a nap around 1 p.m., all I want is a break, yet it seems I have little to show for my morning full of work.

Hubby may wonder why things are such a mess when he comes home for lunch, or at the end of the workday. I wonder that, too, since on a typical day I haven’t exactly been sitting around eating bon-bons.

2-year-old controlling my day? March 8, 2011

Here is something that I think a lot of parents, especially at-home parents, can relate to.

We are on Spring Break this week, which means no preschool for my 5-year-old and no Mommy & Me class on Wednesday morning. It’s not so bad being at home more than usual; there sure is plenty to do around the house, from everyday cleaning to organization tasks that pertain to our current flooring projects.

Here is the problem: We are at home in the morning. I have tons of things to do. Clean the kitchen, fix low-carb food for myself, make phone calls, do some work at the computer. And spending a morning at home seems like the perfect time to work on these things. But the limiting factor is, of course, the kids. Specifically, my 2-year-old. He gets quite… what is the word? Restless? Aggressive?

Much of the time, I can’t just do my thing while the kids do their thing, because Mark is getting into mischief (though we are about as childproofed as can be) or hitting his older brother or interfering with what his brother is trying to do (put together a puzzle) or fussing at me to be picked up, have his sippy cup filled up, to be read to.

It is enough to drive me bonkers. It’s not that I expect to completely ignore my kids all day. But really, unless Mark is sick or unless there is (what I consider to be) a special reason for him to be restless or unhappy, I think there is something wrong with the idea that Mark can dictate the tone of our entire household; what we do or don’t do; etc.

Certainly mothers of previous generations had a *lot* of work to do every day. They did not have a lot of time to devote to a 2-year-old who was determined to interfere with everyone and everything.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Mark (28 months) very, very much. But it is because I love him so much that I need to put more work into setting limits on behavior.

Losing my mind, toddler style March 6, 2011

Oh my. I think my 2-year-old is going to cause me to lose my mind, and soon. Each and every morning, he alternates between fussing for food, fussing for his sippy cup (sometimes I put water in it, sometimes milk), generally being listless, being aggressive toward his brother, fussing about whoever isn’t at home at the moment (Daddy or Adam, his older brother), fussing about something he wants and isn’t supposed to have, fussing about something that is broken or is not the way he wants it to be, and getting into mischief.

Sure, it would be nice if I could be with him and entertain him all morning long, but I don’t have time for that. I also object to that on principle.

Mark is 28 months old, which I think is old enough to start learning that he can’t have his way all the time and that he has to entertain himself sometimes.

I can’t recall for sure whether his older brother was this difficult at this age. I do remember some really fussy times for Adam when he was around 18 months old. Perhaps Mark is extra difficult lately due to being tired, but as I’ve written before, I have no idea what to do to improve his sleep or provide more sleep for him. Lately he has been stuck in the pattern of waking up for the day around 5:15 a.m., which is pretty early considering he falls asleep around 8:00 p.m. According to Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, that is below the 10th percentile for hours of nighttime sleep for that age.

My sympathies are with anyone else going through this toddler fussiness right now.

Supermom, I ain’t March 2, 2011

Lately I have been… not sure how to describe it…. down in the dumps? Feeling out of rhythm? Feeling out of control?

There are a few major home projects that have thrown a wrench into our regular routine, and in fact I’ve spent two out of the last four weekends with the kids at my parents’ house so Hubby can work.

Back in January I discovered (re-discovered, sort of) low-carb eating when I read Why We Get Fat and What to Do About It by Gary Taubes. The problem is, while I think low-carb eating is an answer (the answer?) to my weight issues, it is so darn difficult to stick with it. At the moment I am trying to pull out of a downward carb spiral. I just don’t seem to have the necessary motivation and organization to make it happen.

One thing about low-carb eating that I’ve discovered is that I need to spend more time in the kitchen than I’m accustomed to. Bacon and eggs for breakfast means time spent prepping food, cooking food, and cleaning up afterwards. Deviled eggs for snacks means I have to make the darn things. Taco salad for lunches means time spent chopping and washing lettuce and cooking the ground beef. It’s not like Weight Watchers where I can just buy frozen meals or choose a “light” option for a meal or a snack.

Then there’s this winter weather which makes it difficult to go outside, go for a walk, or go to a park. It’s March, and I am tired of the cold.

I am also tired of my 2-year-old, Mark, dictating what we can or can’t do at home or away. I am *not* supermom. I do *not* have endless patience for toddler hijinks and toddler moods. I do get tired of looking at the same four walls every day. I do get tired of hearing, “Can I have a snack?” at the very moment I’ve just put the kitchen back in order. I get tired of feeling guilty about not spending time with my 5-year-old during the precious time in the day when my 2-year-old is napping.

I get tired of the endless task of paring down our belongings so that we can live somewhat comfortably in our small home, knowing that sooner or later my mom (who is wonderful and means very, very well) will ask whether we have this or that kind of toy or craft supply. The truth is, I would *love* to keep lots of different things on hand, but we just don’t have the space to store or even use a lot of things.

I also get tired of the battle with my weight, of the battle with my tendency (to put it lightly) to use food to deal with my stress, boredom, anxiety, and so on.

It feels good to get my frustrations into black and white. To anyone reading this who has similar struggles, I wish you the best!