Thanks for the kudos, Rosemond (Part II) December 17, 2009

I had a nice little surprise yesterday when I opened the email from www.rosemond.com containing John Rosemond’s latest column. Once again, a “story” that I written to him was featured in his column (the story from “a mom in Minnesota”).

The column, dated 12/16/09,  is shown here. This column will be available for about a month; after a month, it will be available only to rosemond.com members.

I believe this is the third time that one of my stories has been featured in his column.  I blogged about the second occurrence here.

As a parent, I am far from perfect, but I do consider it an honor to be considered column-worthy.

Decluttering, one decision at a time December 12, 2009

Decluttering is such an interesting process, for one because it involves a lot of thought and emotion. One of my many dilemmas is: what to do with various packages of markers that I have from before I had kids. My children are ages 4 and 1. The 1yo is too young for markers, and the 4yo has a number of Crayola washable markers. I myself don’t use markers all that often; these days, much of my creativity is expressed in a digital manner (www.scrapblog.com).

I always say that the only markers that make it into my house are washable. It makes things so much easier and less stressful, knowing that the marker will come out of almost anything.

The markers that I have from before I had kids are not washable. I want to hang on to them because they are perfectly good markers, but I think I will get rid of anything that’s not of particular sentimental or “art” value. Yep, that settles it. Out they go!

A challenging Thanksgiving visit to my in-laws November 30, 2009

Just returned from a five-day visit to my in-laws, who live a few states away. There is a lot for me to “process” from this trip. One of the main things on my mind this morning is how profoundly and completely having kids affects my husband’s and my life. Well duh, you might say, of COURSE having kids changes everything.

But, where I’m going with this is, I don’t know if my in-laws realized to what degree our stay at their home, with our 1-year-old and 4-year-old in tow, would be defined by the kids’ needs, schedules, and so on. They weren’t completely clueless by any means. They knew we would need a highchair, and DH talked with them before our trip about the boys’ nap and nighttime schedules. Plus, my FIL raised a child (sort of) and my stepMIL raised a child, partly as a single mom.

That being said, there were aspects of our stay there that drove me up a tree. For example, I didn’t expect them to have a closet full of toys and activities for the kids, but if I had realized that my MIL was going to prepare for our visit by getting a few coloring books and puzzles at the dollar store (my 4yo doesn’t even use coloring books) – and borrowing a few books and Legos from a friend – then I would have brought a heckuva lot more toys and books than I did.

I reached desperation in finding things for the kids — especially my 1yo — to do. As I told my husband, it’s not that kids need an endless stream of toys toys TOYS to keep them “entertained.” BUT, kids do need something to do! Especially when they’re cooped up inside a house that has a lot of “don’t touch” and “don’t go in there” types of things. And especially when no one is helping us out by suggesting that we go to a park (or telling us where a park is located). A few different times, I asked MIL and FIL if there were any empty boxes (cereal boxes, shoe boxes, or anything like that) that the kids could play with. My 4yo likes to make things out of boxes, and my 1yo likes to just explore them.

Since they don’t recycle (AHEM!), there wasn’t much of anything around except for an empty beer case (insert my eye rolling here) that my FIL found in the trash. But the main thing that bothered me about that was that no one seemed very concerned about finding things for the kids to do. At my parents’ house, my mom would have emptied out boxes from the pantry, if that meant that the kids could have something fun and constructive to do….especially in light of the fact that there was very, very little in the whole house that was a toy, kid friendly, and so on. I’m not saying that everyone has to be like my mom, but I am saying that I was disappointed that my MIL and FIL seemed so clueless (and seemed not to care, perhaps?) about the kids’ needs.

I did think about asking if they had any empty Rubbermaid totes, or anything (anything!!!) along those lines, but frankly I bypassed that idea because I was afraid they wouldn’t be keen on hauling things out and making a mess. I did pull out a few kid-friendly and sturdy kitchen items for the kids to play with, but I did limit that because I was afraid 1) something would break, and 2) my MIL wouldn’t like the whole idea.

Oh and the childproofing! I don’t even know where to begin with that topic. It was a very, very, very good thing that we brought along two pressure-mounted child gates, so that at least we could have some measure of sanity (albeit limited) on the main floor. My 1yo is very much an explorer, and I believe he is to young for us to do a lot of “no no no no” with.( I am going by John Rosemond’s “Making the Terrible Twos Terrific” book where he recommends keeping your home in childproof lockdown mode until the child is around 30 months. This makes a lot of sense to me and I am very comfortable following his recommendation here.)

A few downsides with the child gates, however: First, I was afraid of what the gates were going to do to the walls as far as leaving marks or indentations. Second, my MIL has some health and joint problems that made it difficult for her to step over the gates. Third, even with the gates in place, there were a number of childproofing problems to contend with (A VCR, for example, and some lamps that we finally decided to remove entirely).

It is a good thing that our visit was the length it was, and not any longer. I know that my MIL and FIL love the kids dearly, but I also know that there are some issues (cluelessness? selfishness? misplaced priorities?) that get in the way of having a good visit at their house.

On the second morning of our stay, DH and I loaded the kids up in the van and headed over to a discount store (all of this before MIL and FIL got up for the day, but that is another topic entirely) in order to pick up a few necessities and also to buy some toys for the kids. How sad is that!

 

Current state of affairs October 13, 2009

A lot has changed since I last put a real update on this blog.

MIL issues – she is still out of my everyday life. I’ve had one session (alone) with the family therapist my husband has been seeing about our issues with his mom. It was the best 50 minutes I have spent in a long, long time! More on that later.

Weight loss – I haven’t attended Weight Watchers meetings for a few months now. I have maintained my 30-lb weight loss fairly well (not perfectly!). The last few weeks have been really rough with stress eating. I finally made myself step on the scale this morning, and it confirmed that my choices have resulted in weight gain (duh!).

GTD (Getting Things Done system by David Allen) – I am still using my GTD Coordinator (paper planner) and am benefitting from GTD, although there are things I am NOT doing well that are having an effect on the overall benefits from GTD.

Things on my mind lately

• I love, love, love my two kids. AND. When I am not taking care of myself (showering, eating well) and not dealing effectively with my responsibilities (keeping house clean and tidy, keeping couponing in its proper place and not letting it take up too much time but also not neglecting it to the point that I am missing the point altogether) and so on, THEN, I am unhappy, worn out, and stressed out, and I am not able to be a good parent.
• At times, circumstances beyond my control (sick kids, bad weather, sick ME) will prevent me from properly attending to all of the items listed in the above bullet point. In that case, all I can do is recognize what is causing the downward slide, and minimize the negative factors and effects as much as I can.
• The main factor that has been driving me crazy lately is my (almost) 1yo son, Mark. His  naps have dwindled to about 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the afternoon. He is ridiculously tired  and therefore fussy for many of his waking hours. I have had more than my fill of being interrupted from any and all tasks (whether “relaxing” or “necessary” in nature). [I am thanking my lucky stars that I am even able to type this post right now.] I can’t count how many times, in the past week or two, I have stood somewhere in my house and wondered whether Mark will be content for the next 30 seconds or 3 minutes or whatever. If just 30 seconds, what is the point of even trying to do anything? But of course, there is no way to know when his next fussy-tired-meltdown will occur, so I am constantly guessing. It really does a number on my overall happiness and mental health when I don’t have the necessary “calm” in my house to string two thoughts together, much less two tasks together. That is one challenge of motherhood that I could have never fathomed before I became a parent. I don’t know how it is for other moms, but I really and truly need my time to think, to plan, to contemplate, to pray, and, of course, to actually DO things–everything from planning meals and clipping coupons to cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. When I have day after day of “Mom, Interrputed” I start to feel frustrated, depressed,and stressed. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with my kids, comfort them, feed them, and so on. It’s just that I am a person, too, and I have things I need and want to get done if I am to maintain a level of sanity and personal happiness.
• Whew, it feels good to have that all typed out. I think I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and move on to something else before I get interrupted.

I get a failing grade at being the entertainment committee for my kids lately! September 18, 2009

How do other moms (seem to be able to) do so much stuff with/for their kids, on a daily basis? By this I mean the moms who (in my imagination, at least) have no trouble getting their kids out for walks, to the park, to the local pool, and so on.

Lately in my neck of the woods, we have been blessed with beautiful Fall weather (a bit on the warm side, actually!). I look out the window and the great outdoors seem like the place to be with my two kids… and then my attention returns to the disaster of a kitchen, the piles of laundry, the list of phone calls to make…. and before I know it, it’s time for a meal/snack/bottle for SOMEBODY, and then someone needs a diaper change or assistance in the bathroom…. and then I need to go to the bathroom…. and then that load of laundry needs to go in the dryer…. and before I know it, it’s nap time for the baby, and I really should get dinner started…. and I realize I haven’t played with or read to the kids, and certainly haven’t gotten out for a walk with them….

Does anyone else feel this way??

A couponer chuckles about this year’s gift exchange September 15, 2009

Every year now for almost ten years, our group of friends has a Christmas gift exchange. Traditionally the spending limit has been around twenty dollars, and it’s not unusual for hubby and I to complemplate this year’s gift choices months in advance.

In that spirit, just now I got a chuckle thinking about what kind of gift package I could put together for a twenty dollars out-of-pocket limit. How about forty boxes of cereal? Or forty boxes of granola bars? Sixty boxes of brand-name baby wipes?

Over the last several months I have begun using coupons, sales, etc., to stockpile household necessities for rock-bottom prices (sometimes, free). Never did I imagine I would want forty boxes of cereal in my basement… but then again, I never realized I could get good, healthy, yummy, brand-name cereal for 50 cents per box (give or take). Or “fancy” Secret deodorant for 29 cents each….or men’s shampoo or body wash (brand-name) for 50 cents each or even free.

Often I run into people who are amazed at the deals that I get, but these same people are resistant to the idea of stockpiling. Now, I’m not saying that someone new to couponing needs to run out and buy forty boxes of cereal ASAP. But for me at least, if I am going to put the time and effort into deal-shopping, I want to be able to buy five or ten of a given item when I find a screamin’ deal, not just ONE item.

 It does take a bit of effort to find a good way to store the extras, but to me it is well worth it. Not one dime will come out of our household budget for peanut butter, spaghetti sauce, laundry detergent, toothpaste, shampoo, razors, bodywash, baby wash, baby wipes, flushable wipes, or toothbrushes… or even, perhaps, for a gift exchange gift …. for many months to come.

A few thoughts on GTD September 8, 2009

I have been soooo busy couponing lately that I haven’t done much blogging!

Just a quick post to say that I think that GTD is really, really good for my mental health and overall confidence level. Just knowing that I have a central place (my GTD Coordinator) to keep track of all the stuff going on in my life, all of my commitments, and so on helps me feel a lot more at ease about my life.

One thing about being a parent is that things are always changing. It can be anxiety-producing when you just get comfortable with a certain routine or whatever, and WHAM! things change yet again. The fact that my 4yo son starts preschool soon fills me with a certain amount of anxiety (even though it shouldn’t!) is tempered by my reliance on GTD and on having capture tools stationed in various places like my car, diaper bag, and so on. As a mom, I don’t want to be worrying about forgetting new commitments and projects that come up. Relying on GTD minimizes this worrying.

I must say that I am far, far, far from perfect in my use of GTD. As David Allen says, it is ridiculously easy to fall off of the GTD wagon (and also ridiculously easy to get back on the wagon, thankfully). With two kids running around and creating general mayhem, it is easy to simply forget to check my lists and capture my thoughts. However, it is completely worth the effort it takes to “do” GTD, and I am thankful that GTD came into my life years ago.

As my kids get older, I will teach them age-appropriate GTD concepts. What could be a more useful life tool?

Yesterday was rough August 18, 2009

Yesterday wasn’t my best day ever, any way you look at it. I was crabby with my 4yo son, Adam. I ate junk food all day long. I didn’t do much of anything “fun” for the kids, like take them to a park. Frankly, I didn’t feel like going outside much.

A lot of my problems yesterday stemmed from a poor night’s sleep. Once again, it struck me how my whole day can succeed or fail based on how much sleep I got the night before.

It also struck me that when I eat junk, then I feel “big,” and I don’t feel like putting on clothes that might possibly feel tight, and add a few more steps in the chain reaction… then I feel cruddy about how I look, and therefore don’t feel like going out of the house.

Today is shaping up to be a better day. I got a decent night’s sleep and have a decent amount of energy and patience (so far! it’s only 10 a.m.). I have my GTD Coordinator in use, and have made my daily planning sheet, which includes a place to record Weight Watchers points. (One of these days, I’ll post a photo of my daily planning sheet. It is nothing fancy, but it just provides a touchpoint for me to return to throughout the day.)

My 10-month-old son, Mark, has gotten too tall for his Exersaucer. Bummer! So yesterday I went out and bought a Graco Pack & Play to use on the main floor of our house. This provides a safe place to put him anytime I can’t be right there to watch him. This means it’s time to get the Exersaucer cleaned up and ready for our local consignment shop. Who knows, I might even get to that task today.

Thoughts on the GTD Coordinator August 11, 2009

It has been about a week since I received my GTD Coordinator. Wow, what a difference it has made.

Of course, using a paper-based GTD solution is not perfect, but then again, neither is an electronic solution (for me, anyhow).

Benefits I have noticed so far:

• The pages are big enough where I feel I can write what I need to write (not like using notecards, which always seemed cramped to me). (However, I have no problem using notecards as a capture tool, in my purse, for example.)
• It is a nice, calm feeling to have place to collect things like project notes. For example, I just spent 5 minutes mind-mapping my son’s upcoming birthday party. This is not all that unusual for me, but what is unusual is having a logical, organized place to keep the mindmap. A mindmap isn’t much good to me if I can’t remember where I put it, or if I’m subconsciously trying to remember where I put it.
• “Ubiquitous capture” is a goal that is much nearer now than it used to be, because the GTD Coordinator makes this fairly simple and painless.
• This next point is a bit difficult to explain. It has to do with how I feel about myself as an individual and as a mother. It seems that having and using the GTD Coordinator not only makes me feel calmer and more productive, but it also makes me feel better about myself (more confident). I think it’s because in my role as a SAHM, I have a lot of things to do and responsibilities to uphold, but society doesn’t always recognize this. I don’t have a fancy office (or even a desk, for that matter) or an assistant. The fact is, I do need things like a menu planner and a family-friendly wall calendar, but I need much more than that! I need a way to capture, process, etc., EVERYTHING that’s going on in my life. I have tons of stuff coming at me, projects to manage, goals to work towards. Having the GTD Coordinator solidifies the role of GTD in my life, and provides a sense of validation for the challenges I face.
• On a related note, getting deeper into GTD forces/allows me to deal with areas of my life that tend to slide to the back burner, such as having fun, getting exercise, and generally doing anything enjoyable.

“You’re not the boss of me” — Tales from the trenches August 11, 2009

Lately, my 4yo son Adam seems determined to show his dad and me, once and for all, that we cannot tell him when and whether to eat or go potty.

(He is right, of course.)

He has developed a pattern where he will complain and complain about being hungry, then when food is served, he eats very little or nothing at all (without much regard for whether it is a favorite food of his or not).

Dealing with this one is fairly straightforward. We have set times, generally, for breakfast, snacks, and dinner. He is welcome to eat or not to eat what is served to him. No snacks until the next snack- or meal-time. We try to keep our response to his choices very low-key or even matter-of-factly cheerful. We also use a timer sometimes to limit the amount of time he can spend dilly-dallying at the table. This is a great strategy because it eliminates the tendency for us to do the following: remind, cajole, bargain, plead, etc. In other words, if we are not invested in the outcome (whether or not he eats), we remove as much drama from the situation as possible.

The potty issue is a bit more complex. Over the last few months, Adam increasingly did the “potty dance” instead of just going potty when he had to go. We dealt with this a few different ways, but finally decided to ignore the potty dance completely. During that time period, one time he completely wet himself while we were in our basement (the potty was on the next floor, but the main problem was that he had waited so incredibly long that once it started flowing, he couldn’t stop it).

Over the last few days, this is the situation we find ourself in: Adam does the potty dance more and more intensely, all the while his dad and I completely ignore the entire issue. After all, as long as a toilet is available to him, and he knows perfectly well how to use it, why should we comment on potty matters at all? If he does get his underpants wet (more than a trivial amount), then into his room he goes for the rest of the day, with only books to keep him company. [If we need to go on errands or take his younger brother for an outing, then Adam can participate only marginally. For example, if his brother is playing in the kiddie pool, Adam is allowed to sit and watch but not play.]

It is so difficult to see him land in his room for the rest of the day. However, he is choosing this “withholding” behavior and no one can decide for him to make different choices. He seems determined to show us that “You’re not the boss of me,” and, well, he is right! He can pee in his underwear every day for the next month if he chooses to. Our job is to show him that his choices have consequences.

This is certainly not the first time that he has used urination as a means of control. He seems rather hung up on “control” in other areas as well. It seems to me that he is apt to take a simple activity like playing catch, and hijack it so that he is doing something completely different from playing by the “rules” of catch. I see how easygoing other kids his age are, and I realize that our Adam just does not want to fit into any mold that someone else has created.

Circle time with songs and activities? Forget it. Craft projects where other kids are having a blast? Forget it. I have this vision of him in kindergarten, and while the other kids are practicing writing the letter of the day, Adam is sitting there scowling and saying “I just don’t want to.”

“I just don’t want to” and “You’re not the boss of me” are his thing right now. Here’s hoping he will move past them at some point in the near future.